Note: We will let you know which one of us is writing at any given time. We hope this at least helps you follow along with the madness.
Pips: So, we got all excited about this idea. We got this website set up. And now we have to actually start reading. Oh lord. Also, I do not remember where I put the book now. I am off to find the book, but will probably hunt for a few rocks, pick up some socks that have been left on the floor, wander to the laundry room, realize I need to change out the laundry, decide I need a cookie, and forget the book…. Be back in a few.
Finn: Jesus Harold [insert explicative] Christ! No sense of urgency in this one. I’m sure it doesn’t matter anyhow, as I’m sure this is going to take a pound of dog years to begin. “MOM! MEATLOAF!”
Pips: I found my Switch, so I am going to play a video game for a bit now. Wait, wasn’t I doing something?
Finn: Scorched, callused, and creviced is the skin. The spoils of war with Time adorn him.
Pips: What on Earth are you…wait I found the book! It was sitting here in front of me the whole time! Are you ready?
“riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.”
Wait, does this have chapters even?
Finn: Wait…is that the first word in the book, or did you forget to capitalize Riverrun?
Pips: That is the first word. It is not capitalized. Also, I just looked up Howth Castle. Did you know they have a cookery school there?
Finn: Newsflash. Cookery school sounds made up, like math. Didn’t they have editors and proofreading in 1423 or whenever this “book” was written?
Pips: It’s on the website. They teach cooking at this castle. Also, the castle is wicked old. It has a golf course too. Also, the book was published in…wait, I lost my reading glasses again. Oh, they are on my head. I hate that I have to wear both contacts and reading glasses. It is stupid that they can fix some of my vision but are like “screw you” on my reading. Why are we so advanced that we can develop AI, but they can’t make me able to see with one set of contacts?
Also, I am ignoring your whole math is made up.
Finn: OMFG! I am NOT reading all of that. [casting AI spell to summarize]
Pips: You can’t read one paragraph and we are going to read this [checks notes] 628 page book? (hey – readers place bets on how long it will take us to finish this book….).
Do you realize we are in the first sentence of this? We have talked about capitalization and Howth Castle… What did it even say?
Finn: Howth Castle?! I’m still at “r,” and I don’t understand why they didn’t fix that mess before signing off on printing. Did they feel like a small change like that would be too expensive? Were ink costs so high back then that a simple change in capitalization would be too cost-prohibitive, bankrupting the project? I could see that. This is likely due to the fact that things are printed in French. We all know how many letters they waste. Imagine the thousands of gallons of ink wasted on letters unspoken, unread.
Pips: [cracks knuckles] ooh. Time for the nExt ParAgraph. i think You will like this…
“Sir Tristram, violer d’amores, fr’over the short sea, had passencore rearrived from North America on this side the scraggy isthmus of Europe Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war: nor had topsawyer’s rocks by the stream Oconee exaggerated tehmselse to Laurens County’s gorgios while they went doublin their mumper all the time: nor avoice from afire bellowsed mishe mishe to tauftauf thuartpeatrick: not yet, though venisson after, had a kidscad buttended a bland old isaac: not yet, though all’s fair in vanessy, were sosie sesthers wroth with twone nathandjoe. Rot a peck of pa’s malt had Jhem or Shen brewed by arcloght and rory end to the regginbrow was to be seen ringsome on the aquaface.”
What. The. Actual. [BEEP].
Finn: Howth-e HELL do you even read that? I have a buck fifty that says he was $#!+ faced when he wrote that.
Pips: In an Irish accent? Maybe that will help? topsawyer’s rocks? Do they mean Tom Sawyer? Ooh, good Rush song. Where’s my phone so I can listen to that?
Did you just fall asleep on me?
Finn: So, do you want bacon with your eggs or not?
Two Squirrels, One Acorn 